15 responses to “Their heart just stopped: Living through a Missed Miscarriage”

  1. Kellie Stastny

    Rai, your ability to articulate the unspeakable is so tangible and raw. I appreciate your honesty and courage thank you from the bottom of my heart for finding the words. I am so emotional after reading this, it was so similar to Paul and I losing Little One before the safe arrival of Iluka.

  2. Berta Britz

    Thank you, Rai. I connected with your story. I send you an enveloping hug through my tears. You find words to express experiences beyond words, and I’m grateful for you and your gifts. Love, to you, Joel, Thea Mae, and Space Baby.

  3. Jenny

    Dear Rai,

    I have a lump in my throat after reading your story, so well written. I can totally relate to what you meant about sharing humour and intimacy whilst sitting on the loe miscarrying. Like you, my partner was there for me and we did chat and he made me smile between the traumatic events of my miscarriage.

    There is so much more to a miscarriage than you can ever imagine before you have one. It makes it hard to not feel alone when people think it’s kust like having a heavy period! I was 10 weeks along and the baby passed around seven weeks but the amount of bleeding and massive clots was almost unbelievable, especially when the doctors said i had passed about 30 percent. The urge to push and contractions and pain when my cervix wouldn’t open to release pressure if the clots was like about of body experience. I could hear myself grunting and pushing whilst they tried to relieve the pain and also me not knowing how much was physical pain and whether it was my distress over losing my baby.

    I hope I haven’t grossed you out too much but like you I feel talking/ writing about it helps. I feel less alone sharing. I’ve told a few friends and burst into tears randomly whilst collecting my eldest from school and told others then, it did help.

    Congratulations on the birth of your little girl. Spacebaby will always be with you and the same with my little one for me. It really makes me appreciate my two little girls even more now. They are little miracles, we all are really.


  4. Joanna

    I am unfortunately experiencing this right now. I don’t quite know how to process it. Having had an ultrasound at a little over 6 weeks and seeing a heartbeat had me sure that everything was going to be fine. Only to be told a few weeks later that the baby had stopped growing shortly after that ultrasound and no longer had a heartbeat. My partner and I are inconsolable at our loss of a baby that was so wanted. Thankyou for your honest account of what I still have to come. Our baby technically died 3 weeks ago, but my body has yet to recognise this, so I expect I may need treatment to assist us in the loss. Congratulatons on now having a new addition to your family. I hope Jonathan and I are as lucky.

  5. Ana Porfido

    Hi, I just found out my baby didn’t make it yesterday. We saw the heartbeat at 6 weeks and just like you, I felt I was safe and started sharing I was pregnant with more people. I began planning on how to make the official announcement on social media since I was born and raised in NY. I’ve been living in Florida since 2007 and my family are back in NY. I was already picturing myself with a belly when I would go see my family in May. I haven’t seen them in 3 years. I left the office yesterday through the back door. It was all the comfort the technician could give me because of the pandemic and social distancing. I didn’t want anyone seeing me crying hysterically. I was and have been inconsolable since. Our baby would have been due in mid October. We were picturing baby’s first Halloween, first Thanksgiving, first Christmas and New Year. My husband is big on the holidays. He left work yesterday to be with me as soon as I was able to get confirmation that our little one was gone. I remember laying there asking her how is it possible for a baby to disappear after 2 weeks when we saw the heartbeat? I just can’t wrap my head around it. I called my sister after I left the office, she had 2 miscarriages before having her rainbow baby. She was shocked because she had no idea missed/silent miscarriage happen. I doubt I made any sense over the phone. I could barely speak from the emotional pain. I couldn’t believe how much it hurt. I knew the possibilities of miscarriage happening during the first trimester is high. I purposely didn’t buy any baby supplies. We were waiting until we got passed the safe zone. Now I’m waiting for my midwife to call me to tell me what my options are. I honestly don’t know what path to choose. All I know is I’ll be grieving twice for this baby that didn’t make it. Words can’t describe how much it hurts and I can’t see past this cloud of devastation, despair and melancholy. Your story has given me hope and I thank you for sharing it.

    1. Anna

      Ana, I’m in the same situation as you. Same timing. Baby would have been due 10/16. I had an ultrasound at 6 weeks 3 days that showed a heartbeat. But ten days later another ultrasound showed the baby had passed immediately after the first ultrasound. It’s now been two weeks since that second ultrasound, and I’m still waiting on the miscarriage.
      How are you faring?

  6. P

    I am also experiencing this very thing now. I literally found out I was 10 weeks, 5 days pregnant, and immediately told there was no heartbeat. I had no idea until Wednesday, January 13th. Only 2 days ago. I’ve been told my entire life since reaching sexual and reproductive maturity that I would never have children, for various medical reasons. I was told pregnancy was not possible. Yet here I sit, alone in my grief of my Little Thing. I never knew how quickly love of anything could become and be so solid, tangible and real, nor how quickly and without knowing it was there to begin with, that love could be crushed. It still lives, but the heart and origin has been taken. My body still has yet to catch up to this fact, and so I sit here, carrying my Little Thing until the last, though he or she has already gone on ahead and I’m honestly terrified of what’s next. As it’s so soon, and I measured 10 weeks,5 days, so my baby must have only very recently gone, I think at this point I want to give my body the chance to do what nature intends in this situation, when it possibly can do so on its own. However being so far, yet so very early, I’m afraid the worst of the physical pain is yet to come, likely bringing another layer of psychological pain. How long should I wait before seeking intervention? How long will we be in limbo, and afraid to leave home for fear of the time coming at work or in public? All these things are circling in my head. This is my first pregnancy, and I’m 30 years old, and I feel as though everything I “knew” had been turned upside down, inside out, chewed up and spit in my face. I’m angry and devastated. I’m alone. I know one day, things will be better and in its own way, easier to process and think back to in memory and love for my lost little one, but right now… right now, my heart is so broken.

  7. Debbie

    Thank you for sharing your story. As I am going through the same thing while reading this article, tears are flowing. I now the pain.

  8. Jenny

    Thank you for this beautifully written article. After our 5th embryo transfer and 2 years of IVF, we were delighted to find out that we were finally pregnant.At 6 weeks, we witnessed a strong flickering heartbeat and were told by the clinic that everything was perfect. At our 9 week scan a few days ago it was a complete shock to be told baby no longer had a heartbeat and hadn’t grown for 3 weeks. My body is still gripping on to the pregnancy and like you, hasn’t caught up with my mind. We have medical assistance planned in a couple of days.

    Thank you for sharing your difficult story. My husband is doing everything he can to make me feel loved at this time and I hope we can find the strength you both did when we let go.

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